aeternum

I finally had a fever. My face felt like it's burning, my head felt heavy but light at the same time. My throat was sore, and my right chest felt like it was being stabbed every time I cough. And yet I still packed my things. And you asked me, "Mau kemana, sih?"

"Mau jalan-jalan." I simply answered.
"Nggak, lo lagi sakit."

I looked at you perplexed. I was so confused. Why did you care if you won't even be here for me anymore? I've made up my mind, this is a whether-you-come-and-accompany-me-or-let-me-die-in-the-forest kind of journey. I really wish that you come with me, but I already knew that you won't. I also know you won't be there for me anymore, so I don't have the reason to stay any longer. 

Then I left you, even though I haven't finished packing my bag. I don't know what else I should have brought. I don't even know what's already there in my bag. All I know it's full of my feelings for you that I don't know what to do with. But still, I lift that damn bag. I didn't have the courage to see your face again, so I just left you.

I know this sadness won't heal instantly. I know this memory of you will haunt me. I know this feeling towards you will never change. But at least I'm trying to let those go. I sincerely hope that you'll be happy. And hopefully, I'll find my way to be happy too.