hiraeth

Well, I never thought I would be this brokenhearted after hearing such a happy news. No, it's not that I'm not happy for you. I do happy for you, congratulation that you've finally found someone that you liked and liked you back.
.
.
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...even if it wasn't me after all. 

Yes, that's the brokenhearted part. I knew this would happen soon or later, but I don't know why I still can't accept it. I still remember your cherish voice when you told me about her, such a lovely girl. And all I remember about me was trying my best to looked excited when my world feels like crumbling. Even when writing this down, my heart still feels wrenched. But even so, I relieved to hear this from yourself, I'm so glad you told me in person and I'm not finding out from others. I might hurt more if it so.

You know, I had this feeling where I want you to be with me and not someone else. But at the same time, I know you deserves someone better than me. I stuck in the middle of a raging war with myself.

I think I've had this feeling for you for more than a decade. Trying to confess but I know you only see me as a very good friend. Trying to confess but I didn't want to gamble and lose you. It's been three times I dreamt of you, married with another girl, and every time I would feel like it was real. And now... it is real. And I don't even prepared despite three times dreaming of it. The pain become real.

"How about you?" You asked.
"Nah, I still want to hike another mountain." I wish I was directly change the subject like this instead of telling you anything about me.
"I don't know if this useful for you, but the next monsoon will be more extreme. The rain will be heavier."

Yeah, I can use that to prepare myself for the depression season of mine, thank you. I never thought I would be this brokenhearted, moreover to start the so called extreme monsoon you've mentioned. I'll run in the rain anyway. But it's okay, as long as you're happy. I wish I'll find "you" somewhere else.